


Don't Cry Out Loud

by CeliaEquus



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Cryogenics, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, M/M, Minor Character Death, More tags might be added later - Freeform, Past Relationship(s), Reunions, Secret Relationship, Slice of Life, handwavey science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-12 08:41:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 17,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3350453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeliaEquus/pseuds/CeliaEquus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During WWII, Bucky Barnes and Phil Coulson were secret lovers.  One fall and many rounds of cryopreservation later, will they find their way back to each other?</p><p>Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers, or any other Marvel thingummies, nor am I making money from this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love Crazy

[](http://s173.photobucket.com/user/CeliaEquus/media/Dont%20Cry%20Out%20Loud_zpsr3k6dklx.jpg.html)

Bucky Barnes slipped onto the barstool beside Phil Coulson.

"Buy you a drink?" he asked.

"I'd rather drink you," Phil murmured. Bucky looked around quickly, but this was the kind of place where he was free to be with his boyfriend.

"What, in public?" he said, blushing. "Sorry, sweetheart, but you're all mine."

Phil shuffled, and hooked his foot around Bucky's right ankle. Their elbows bumped against each other on the bar counter.

"How're Robert and Julie?" Bucky said, referring to Phil's brother and sister-in-law.

"They're good," Phil said. "Still working for the SSR."

"And you're still with…?" He trailed off. It's not like they could discuss Phil's work with military intelligence. Phil wore a reversible uniform when he was out in public. He only had to duck into an alley and invert the clothes when he had to take to the shadows. Getting a white feather would draw too much attention.

"Yes," Phil answered. "It's not exactly something I can leave."

"I guess not," Bucky said. He studied Phil's youthful, unassuming face. "Sorry. Let's get out of here, huh?"

"Not even one drink?"

"Not the drink I'm interested in right now, and that's all your fault."

Phil chuckled softly, and stroked Bucky's knee. "My closest safe house is just `round the corner. Shall we go there, soldier?"

"Sounds like the best idea I've heard in a long time," Bucky said, standing up. "I'm just gonna get a snack to go." He signalled for the bartender.

"How's Steve going?" Phil asked. "Serum doing him good?"

"I guess," Bucky said, making a face. It smoothed out when the bartender reached them, and he placed a quick order. "`Least the kid's not in danger of passing out at a moment's notice."

"Without knowing what it might have done to his system—"

"And we still don't know what HYDRA might've done to me," Bucky hissed. Phil's expression fell.

"If I'd known you beforehand," he began. Bucky shook his head.

"Nothing seems to be different," he said. "If they did anything to me, it hasn't affected me like it did Steve."

"I've seen a picture of him before… the experiment," Phil said, walking out the back door with Bucky. They couldn't walk arm in arm, but they remained close to each other on the way to the nearest intelligence hideout. "You don't need the bulking up he did."

"And yet I don't have his strength, speed, or… endurance."

"If the stories about him with the USO girls are true, I don't think I could keep up with that kind of endurance," he quipped. Bucky scowled at him.

"I can think of things I'd rather be talking about," he said.

"There's nothing I really want to say to you that's appropriate outside of the bedroom."

"That'd better be a promise, Phil."

"You know me, Bucky. When've I ever broken a promise to you?"

It was hard to keep their hands off each other when the door was finally locked behind them. The tie that Phil kept on hand at all times went around Bucky's mouth, and he shoved his lover onto the bed.

"All that walking and talking's made me thirsty," Phil said, reaching for the edge of Bucky's shirt. "And hungry. Mind if I help myself?"

Bucky said something which might have been 'Go right ahead', or possibly incoherent swearing as Phil began to strip them both.

When he was with Phil, Bucky invariably needed a gag. He didn't notice the bars of the bed-head creaking beneath his hands.

He spat out the tie at the end, and croaked, "I love you, Phil Coulson."

"I love you, too, James Barnes," Phil said, leaning over him. The affection in his eyes was so clear that Bucky's heart swelled like it never had before.

"If I could marry you," he said. "Hell, if we didn't have to hide—"

"I know. I'd risk it all if I could, but…"

"Yeah."

They fell silent, staring at each other in the fading moonlight. Phil moved to pull up the covers, but Bucky grabbed his wrist with lightning speed.

"Time for me to return the favour," he said slyly, and he flipped Phil onto his back.


	2. This Side Show's Leaving Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the Howling Commandoes to move on, and Phil to worry.

"You really have to go away?" Phil asked. Bucky sighed, pulling him further into the side street.

"I'd give anything to stay with you," he said. "But Steve needs me. The war needs me."

"It's selfish to say it, but I need you, too."

"It's not selfish," Bucky said, shrugging. "Just honest."

"I wish I could go with you."

"I'm going to pick Steve up from the SSR base. You could come with me, see Robert and Julie. It'd been an excuse to spend more time together before I have to leave."

"Every time you go," Phil whispered hoarsely. "Every damn time, I fear it's going to be the last one."

"It hasn't been yet," Bucky said, and he hailed a cab. "Look, it's as dangerous as any of the other stuff we do."

"And if it's a trap?"

"Everything has the potential to be a trap. If I didn't go, someone else would have to."

Phil mulled over this as they slid into the back seat of the taxi. Bucky gave the address of the shop front to the driver, and they sat in silence. They couldn't risk speaking, and they sure as hell couldn't risk holding hands. Even sitting too close could spell a death sentence, if not by the hands of the law, then someone else. So they spent their precious minutes alone together not talking, not even touching.

"This here is fine," Bucky said, tapping the cab driver on the shoulder. He handed over some money despite Phil's protests, and pushed him out of the car first. "Thanks."

"We're a block away," Phil said. Bucky led him into the umpteenth alley that day.

"You're right," he said. "`Bout more than that."

"What else am I right about?" Phil asked, amused. Bucky pressed him up against the dark wall, only a foot away from the light of a lamp.

"Any time could be the last," he murmured. "So we'd better make the most of it."

Phil groaned. "When the war's over, I don't care what anyone says. Even if we just make the vows in private, I'm gonna marry you. God's watching from everywhere."

"Death and destruction everywhere, and you still believe in God."

"I met you, didn't I?" Phil asked, caressing Bucky's cheek with a finger. "You're beautiful."

"Beauty's for dames, sweetheart."

"Handsome, then, though 'beauty' used to be used for men and 'handsome' for women, so I stick by my statement."

"Shut up, and lemme kiss you."

"Yes, sergeant."

 

Robert and Phil looked very much alike, taking after their father. Robert was the younger brother by a few years, and Phil had joked that Julie chose him because he wouldn't need a cane as soon as Phil. They were scientists, technically working for Howard Stark, but primarily contributing to the war effort, and it didn't seem to bother them that they were always in each other's hair.

"Pass that beaker, would you?" Julie said. Robert handed it to her without even having to look. Phil smiled, wishing that he had the same freedom.

"Look who's here," he said. They both glanced up at him, and then smiled when they saw Bucky.

"How are you doing, James?" Julie asked, rounding the table. She hugged him tightly. "We heard you were heading out soon?"

"Tonight," Bucky said.

"That's a shame," Robert said, patting his shoulder. "We were going to ask the two of you to join us for dinner tonight."

Phil raised his eyebrows, unable to hide his alarm. Julie lowered her voice.

"It doesn't matter a whit to us," she said. "As long as you two are happy. So." She spoke at normal volume. "Just you come back to us, you hear?"

"Yes, ma'am," Bucky said, grinning from ear to ear. He sneaked a look at Phil. "Wouldn't wanna leave anyone behind."

"Of course not." Julie kissed his cheek.

"And you'll keep an eye out for your cousin while we're gone, won't you, Julie? Steve's gonna worry about her otherwise."

"You bet," Phil said, elbowing Bucky gently. "Peggy's safe with us."

"I know." Bucky inclined his head, bending for a kiss. Phil took a quick step back, and Bucky's eyes widened. "Damn it. I nearly…"

"I think everyone knows already," Robert said. He shrugged. "It's wartime. We can't afford to condemn any kind of love, when only love matters."

"Love will win us the war," Bucky said. He risked squeezing Phil's hand. "Don't worry."

 

Bucky wasn't surprised at all to see Phil emerge from the shadows. There was only five minutes before they were due to leave. Steve must have heard him as well, because he looked up and waved. Phil waved back.

"I'll just be a minute," Bucky said. Steve smiled slyly.

"Take all the time you need," he said. Bucky blushed, wishing that they'd been a bit more discreet, if this was the kind of teasing he was gonna get the rest of the war. He walked over to Phil, trying not to rush. Phil met him part of the way, and they stood there, just watching each other.

"Come back alive," Phil begged. "Please, Bucky."

"I'm not gonna come back dead, put it that way."

Phil scowled at him. "Don't joke about things like that."

"Hey." Bucky stroked his neck. "The kind of work you do? Being a spy? Like I don't worry that someone'll figure you out, and dump your body where no one'll ever find it."

His face softened. "I love you. You know I'll always wait for you."

"I'll wait for you, too," Bucky said. He peeked over his shoulder, turned back, and swallowed. "Hold still. Pretend we're talking."

"Wha—"

Bucky bent his head and kissed Phil gently. At this angle, the Howling Commandoes wouldn't be able to see it. He could feel Phil's hands brushing his, like they wanted to grab hold, but the risk was too great. He pulled his head back an inch.

"The love that dare not speak its name," Phil breathed. "Bucky."

"Phil." Bucky brushed their noses together. He looked at his lover one last time, then turned and ran back to the troop. Phil swallowed down everything he wanted to say, to shout. The Commandoes left, and he returned to the shadows, knees trembling, like they knew that something bad was going to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'The love that dare not speak its name' is a phrase from Oscar Wilde's poem "Two Loves", and is sometimes referenced in Jeeves and Wooster fan fiction. But then, Wilde was British.
> 
> However! As this chapter reveals, Julie Coulson – formerly Julie Carter! – is Peggy's cousin. Because I felt like it.
> 
> Please review, my dears!


	3. Back Doors Crying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve delivers the worst news to Phil.

Steve delivered the news personally. He didn't have anything of Bucky's to give Phil, so he could only apologise.

"I'm sorry," he said. Phil looked past him.

"What do you mean?" he asked. "Where's Bucky? Is he… is he injured?"

Steve could only shake his head.

"No," Phil hissed. "He can't be. He wouldn't… he…"

"He fell from the train we were on, off the cliff," Steve said, bowing his head. "I tried to reach him in time, but I… God, Phil, I'm so sorry." He sniffed, and wiped a hand over his stinging eyes. "Don't worry. We'll get HYDRA for this." He looked up after a few seconds of silence, and saw Phil's stony expression. "He didn't leave you. It wasn't his fault, what happened."

"I know," Phil said. His voice was flat.

"If it's the last thing I do, I'll avenge his death."

"He isn't dead."

"…Phil—"

"HYDRA did something to him," Phil said. "We don't know what. Guess we can't find out now." He squared his shoulders. "But Bucky Barnes isn't dead. I'd know it. I'd… I'd feel it here." He slapped the left side of his chest. "He's alive, and even if it takes a hundred years, even if it costs me my life, I'll find him."

"Phil, you're in shock. Sit down."

"Don't tell me to sit down," he snapped at Steve. "You have an enemy to bring down. I have a man to find. After you take down Schmidt, you're going to take me to where Bucky fell, and we're going to scour the area until we find him. Better yet, give me a map now, and I'll start on my own."

"No," Steve said sharply. "Pull yourself together, Phil. Bucky's the best friend I ever had, and I don't have the luxury of getting drunk with grief. We both have a job to do. After it's done, we'll mourn him."

"There's nothing to mourn! He's alive."

Steve shook his head. "There's no talking to you. I'm gonna get your brother, or your sister-in-law."

"Good. They might be able to help me find Bucky."

The captain rolled his eyes and strode to the door. He stopped when Phil spoke again.

"We've got to keep you safe," Phil said. "For when we get Bucky back. I'd hate to be the one to tell him that you didn't make it."

"Sometimes I get the feeling the secret service is always trailing me," Steve said, half-smiling. "Just because I'm a science experiment."

"You're more than that," Phil said. He took a step forward. "You were special before the serum. Bucky told me."

"Will I see you again soon?"

"Maybe." He cocked his head. "I might even end up on your trail, captain. Watching over you while you sleep."

"Gee, thanks," Steve said dryly. "That makes me feel so much better."

"See you before the end of the war, Rogers."

"Hope so, Coulson."

"If you see Bucky before I do, tell him I'm searching for him."

Steve opened his mouth, then closed it. Phil was already pulling out a notepad, no doubt writing a list of supplies he would need. Shaking his head again, Steve left the base. If only Phil's faith was justified.

 

The end of the war came quickly. Phil's spirits had taken a dive when Steve's plane went down. Julie consoled Peggy while Robert threw himself into his work with Howard, setting up a second search. The three Coulsons were conducting their own private investigation into Bucky's whereabouts, although Phil knew that Robert and Julie were only doing it to humour him. But his heart told him that it wasn't over yet.

"Are you coming with us?" Robert asked, poking his head in the door. They were in Julie and Robert's small house. Phil was sleeping on the couch so that Peggy could have the guest room, such as it was.

"Where?" Phil said.

"To see Mr. Stark take off," Robert said. "He's going to sweep the ocean where Steve went down."

"You go ahead. I'm going over the latest data we received."

"Phil," he said, gritting his teeth, "that was from weeks ago."

"I might have missed something—"

"You didn't!" Robert walked over and shook Phil's shoulders. "Snap out of it. Bucky's dead, and he's not coming back."

"They never found a body," Phil said, standing up and pushing his brother out of the way.

"Phil, there was blood—"

"Someone could have found him, been holding him hostage all this time. Maybe he has amnesia. Maybe he fell into enemy hands, and has been waiting for us to rescue him!"

"After all these months? He'd know that we would have no reason to search for him."

"No," Phil said, shaking his head fiercely. "He'd know that I'd never give up. I'll never give up. He's… he's out there…"

"Damn it, I wish they'd found a body," Robert said, touching his shoulder. Phil moved further away. "Then maybe you'd accept this."

"I won't accept any of it until he's in my arms again."

Robert sighed. "What you felt for him—"

"Was no more wrong than any other love," Phil said. His throat felt tight, and tears stung his eyes. "I love him. Why do people think it's so wrong?"

"Because it's different," Robert said. "The age old problem is that people don't like others who are different. It frightens them."

"'Frightens'?" Phil asked, his lips curling at the edges. "You've been living with Julie for too long."

"Don't change the subject. Phil, you're… you're wasting away. Is this what Bucky would want?"

"Bucky would want me alive, and at his side," Phil said, walking back to the table and picking up the papers. "It's no less crazy to search for Bucky than it is to search for Steve Rogers, and no one could accuse Howard Stark of insanity."

"Mr. Stark's sent people out to look for Bucky, and they've come back empty-handed," Robert said, waving his hand at the files. "Who do you think has been doing all this work?"

"Fairies," Phil said flippantly. Robert groaned.

"You're impossible," he said.

"If this happened to Julie," Phil said, "what would you do? If she was the one to fall, would you just give up on her?"

Robert paused, and then his shoulders drooped. "I'd spend the rest of my life searching for answers," he admitted.

"Then please don't undermine my feelings just because I'm in love with another man."

"I'm… that's not what I'm doing. But Julie and I have been married for years, much longer than you knew Bucky."

"So my love isn't as strong based purely on time?"

"No! I…" He turned, and walked to the door. "Dinner's at eight."

"I'm not hungry."

"If you starve yourself, you'll never find him. Not unless he really is dead."

Phil fiddled with the documents in his hands. "Fine. I'll be there."

The search could wait another day. He hoped.

He ignored the single tear of despair that trickled down his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Denial isn't necessarily a river in Egypt.
> 
> Oh, Phil, you're so close to the truth! Sigh. Oh, the pain.
> 
> Please review! Can anyone guess what's going to happen?


	4. Best That You Can Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's only one thing to do, as far as Phil's concerned.

Howard Stark called off the search for Bucky after it became apparent that there was no longer a trace of him. Any clues had been hidden by snow, and washed away by weather and time. He allowed the search for the Valkyrie to continue, partly because the American public wanted to give a hero's funeral to Steve, and partly because of the item which had gone down in the plane with him.

Phil laughed cynically when he heard the news, and then buried his face in his hands. He tried not to succumb to grief, but it was so. Damn. Hard. He was the only person in the world left who believed that Bucky was still alive.

He couldn't be dead. He couldn't. God would never be that cruel.

Phil had cleared his nightstand of the prophylactics he'd kept there, bought for him by Julie. 'It's a scientific fact that it's important to keep clean', she'd claimed, so Phil humoured her by using them when he was with Bucky. If… when they were reunited, screw hygiene. Phil would just wash very thoroughly. No more barriers between them.

_When_ they were reunited.

"You believe that Bucky fell into the river below," Julie said one night at the dinner table. Peggy had long since moved out of the guest room, and Phil had moved back into his own place, although they both still visited every so often.

"I do," Phil said. "If he'd fallen that distance to land, he probably wouldn't have made it."

"So you think that the cold water froze him, and that whatever HYDRA did to him has preserved his body."

"Just what Stark thinks… thought… _thinks_ happened to Captain America," Phil said, drumming his fork against the table. "It's not a crazy theory. Bucky's test results were never conclusive as to any abnormalities in his blood stream."

"That's true," Julie said. "But, Phil… it could take a long time to find Bucky. If that really did happen, if he needs to be found, unfrozen, and revived… it could take years. The water is fast at the best of times, and it could have carried him anywhere. We do not have the data necessary to make even an educated guess as to his possible location."

"And I'll grow older while he stays young," Phil said, nodding. "I'm already five years older than him, not much more than you."

"What if it takes decades?"

Phil hesitated. "I've been giving it some thought. I believe that Mr. Stark mentioned a conversation with someone called Lovelock?"

"James Lovelock," Robert said, nodding slowly. "About preservation through sub-zero temperatures. But it's only a theory…"

"He'll need a test subject," Phil interrupted. "I believe they're already in the process of putting together a machine."

"Yes." Robert set down his cutlery. "We were asked to assist."

"Would you… consider me…"

"It's dangerous," Julie said.

"You both think I'm crazy to believe that Bucky's still alive," he snapped. "If you're so convinced that he's dead, then it won't matter whether or not I come out of this experiment alive, will it?"

"That's selfish," Robert said, glaring at his brother. "We'd miss you."

"You have each other, but I've lost the love of my life. Don't treat me like a child. If I want this, then by God I'll make it happen. If it works, and you find Bucky, then I can come out of it. If it fails, and Bucky is dead, then I'll see him soon."

"If Bucky's alive and the experiment fails, or if he's dead and you wake up to find that you're alone?" Julie said. Phil stared into the distance unseeingly.

"He's alive," he said. "It will be all right in the end. Besides, it's too late to turn back."

Robert and Julie looked at each other, and then at Phil.

"Well, that would explain why we haven't been approached again," Robert muttered. "You didn't think to discuss this with us before going ahead and signing a contract?"

"I didn't want you to try to talk me out of this, when it's all I want."

"But we need you," Julie said, putting her hand over Phil's. "Please reconsider. You do such good work for intelligence and the SSR."

"They'll still be there in the future."

"You know what I hate most about this?" Robert said.

"What's that?" Phil asked, bracing himself.

"That I'm gonna end up being the older brother."

"Don't worry," Julie said dryly. "I won't throw myself at Phil because you're getting a cane first."

 

Howard finished preparing the machine. Julie and Robert were standing in the background, within Phil's line of sight. They'd said their farewells, but it was comforting to know they were there.

"Do you want us to sedate you first?" he asked. "I don't know what this will be like, but it might not be pleasant, and you shouldn't fight it."

"Might be a good idea," Phil said.

"This is your last chance to back out, Coulson. Are you sure you're up for this?"

Phil raised an eyebrow. "If this works, and I pull a Sleeping Beauty on all of you, there are measures in place for my care."

"I know, I know," Howard said. "But you're the first to undergo cryopreservation."

"My place is already guaranteed in the history books."

The inventor chuckled, and loaded up a syringe.

"This'll put you into a deep enough sleep that you won't be disturbed by the procedure," he said. "Your body temperature will drop, but the machinery will keep you alive. There's a monitor out here, and someone will always be on standby. Once you come out of this, it will be too dangerous to put you back under. So." He smiled nervously, which really didn't help Phil's own nerves. "As soon as we get Barnes back, we'll wake you up. But no strenuous activity for at least a week, got it?"

Phil blushed. "How many people know about us?" he asked.

"Only the important ones," Howard said. He flicked Phil's arm until a vein popped up, and then injected the sedative. "You'll start to feel…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Le gasp! What's going to happen next? (Only the author knows.)
> 
> Please review! Shorter chapter, I know, but better than dragging it out unnecessarily.


	5. Don't Wish Too Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil wakes, too early.

_Forty-five years later_

There was warmth prickling Phil's skin. There was something pressing against his chest, and he struggled to open his eyes. Light, too much light. Beeping in the background. A white ceiling, flat bed, murmur of voices. He coughed, feeling something burble in his chest. A stranger turned him to the side, and he expelled foul-tasting liquid. It looked something like water. What the hell had he been drinking?

"Phil?" a voice asked. It sounded familiar, but different. Older, maybe? He rolled onto his back, and this time looked to the right.

A man and a woman – it was the man who'd spoken – stood beside his bed. It must've been a hospital, but not like any hospital he'd been in. Even Howard Stark's head would spin.

Stark… a machine…

"Dad?" he croaked, looking at the man.

"Uh, that's right, son," he replied. "Glad to see you back. You recognise your mom, don't you?"

Phil was about to say no, she's not my mother but I know her, but then he saw the man's look. A quick glance at the nurse – doctor? – checking the monitor attached to Phil's wrist.

"O-of course," Phil said. The nurse smiled, and left them alone 'To catch up'. As soon as the door was shut, he frowned at the people he was supposed to know.

"Phil, it's me," the woman said. She had an English accent, and squeezed his hand in a familiar way. "Julie."

"Julie?" he said. "That's my sister-in-law's name… oh." He sat up quickly, and regretted it. "What the heck?"

"You pulled a Sleeping Beauty on us, that's what you did," the man said, who… Christ, it was Robert. He pushed Phil to lie back down. "What do you remember?"

Phil wracked his brain. "Sleep… Stark… Bucky. Bucky. He's… he's alive! You found him." He looked around frantically. "Where is he? Is he okay?"

"No, Phil," Julie said. His heart sank.

"He's not okay?" Phil said.

"No, we haven't found him," Robert said. "He was officially declared dead years ago. You've slept through a lot."

"Then… why wake me now? Did they find his body?" Phil curled his knees up, and wrapped his arms around them. "Do you know what happened to him?"

"Phil," Julie said. "I have cancer. I wanted to see you before I die."

He blinked, staring at her, and then held out his hand. "I'm so sorry, Julie."

"It'll be fast. Don't hate me for doing this."

"No, no, of course not," he said, tugging her closer. "I'm glad you woke me. I wish Bucky was here, but we can't have everything we want. Like a longer life for you."

It was a shock seeing two people younger than him now so much older. Old enough to be his parents.

"We discussed the possibility of cryopreservation until a cure is found, but at my age it might not even work," Julie said. "I'd rather go out in a dignified fashion."

"And I missed so much," Phil said. "I'm such an ass. I really didn't look past my own heartache."

"You've always let your head rule your heart, at least until Bucky came along," Robert said. "I'm glad I got to see you in love, even if it wasn't for long."

"Have I got any…" Phil's lips twitched. "Brothers and sisters?"

"No," Julie said, smiling sadly. "We couldn't. You're our only child."

"So that's the official story?"

"You're accepting this too easily," Robert said, giving him a suspicious look. Phil sobered.

"I remember what Howard said," he replied. "I shouldn't go back into cryopreservation again. Not so soon, anyway. I'm glad you decided to wake me up. I would've regretted it the rest of my life if you hadn't. Would've broken my heart completely."

Julie breathed in shakily. "I wish we could have had good news for you."

"How is everyone?" he asked. "Wait. Julie, sit down."

"That's 'Mother' to you," she said, but she obeyed. Robert held a walking stick for her, and he frowned when Phil raised his eyebrows pointedly.

"You did end up with a cane before me," he said, unable to resist. Julie laughed weakly.

"You are both terrible, and I don't know how I put up with you," she said. "Now, Phil, you were asking how everyone was?"

"Yes," he said, eyeing her carefully. "Are you all right to talk about it?"

She nodded. "Well, Steve still hasn't been found. There's been no sign of the Valkyrie at all."

"Poor Peggy."

"She married, though," Julie said. "Her brother – you remember Harrison? – married. They have a daughter named Sharon."

"And you remember my half-sister, Genevieve? She was a teenager…"

Phil smiled. "She was the one who wanted to go to Hollywood," he said.

"Well, she didn't move to America. She married a nice Englishman, Michael Simmons, and they're expecting their second child."

"That's nice," Phil said. "Any of them associated with the SSR?"

"Of course," Robert muttered. "It's been a long time since the Strategic Scientific Reserve became the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division."

"That's a mouthful."

"We call it SHIELD."

"You should talk to Nicholas Fury," Julie said. "I'm sure you'd get along well."

"With a surname like Fury?" Phil said. "I can't wait."

"Phil…" Robert cleared his throat. "It's been a long time—"

"I know, I can tell," Phil cut in. "Bucky's alive. I have to believe that, and I'll never stop hoping. No matter how old he is when we meet again, I'll never stop loving him. But… I'm not doing any good taking a long nap. I don't even know what year it is."

"There'll be a team to acclimatise you," Julie said. "Since you're not going to play at being Sleeping Beauty again anytime soon, you must consider what you're going to do."

"Do?" Phil said. "First, spend as much time with the two of you as possible." Julie smiled tearfully, and Robert squeezed her shoulder. "Second, I'm… well, I'm a trained spy. Do you think SHIELD could use me?"

"Undoubtedly," Robert said.

"Damn right about that," a man said from the doorway. Phil hadn't even heard the door open. The stranger was dark-skinned, wearing a leather coat a size too big, and a fierce scowl on his face. "You're Phil Coulson, aren't you? Mysteriously sudden son of Robert and Julie?"

"I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and say that you're Nicholas Fury," Phil said.

"Good guess. I'm here to integrate you into the nineties."

"Sounds like fun, but it can wait awhile."

"Not a quick rundown," Fury said, approaching the bed. "Not if you don't wanna look like you've been livin' under a rock your whole life."

"Tell me the worst of it," Phil said, but he winked at Julie. Fury arched an eyebrow.

"We have this ingenious invention called the wheel," he said. Phil snorted in laughter.

"I like you already, Nicholas Fury," he said.

"Just call me Nick. Apparently you're s'posed to use my first name."

"Call me Phil."

"I'll call you Agent Coulson if you join SHIELD."

Phil looked at his 'parents'. "What do you think?"

"They have excellent resources," Julie murmured. "We contributed to some of them."

"You think they could…?"

"They've been continuing Howard's work for years now, if that's what you're asking."

Hope bloomed inside him once again, and he nodded at Nick, who was looking from one to the other of them curiously.

"I'd be happy to join SHIELD," he said.

"You say that now. But I've seen your credentials. If anyone can handle it, you can."

"Doesn't that just inspire all the confidence in me," Phil said dryly. He noticed Nick trying to suppress a smirk. "Would I be able to conduct my own personal… research on the side?"

"You get to level six in record time, and you can do whatever the hell you want, Coulson. Shit. Phil." He raised an eyebrow. Well, that's something he was going to have to get used to. "I'm sure Director Carter will be very supportive."

"Carter?"

"Peggy," Robert said, and he smiled at Phil's astonished look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phil's never going to forget Bucky. But I couldn't keep laying on the heavy-duty angst without some kind of relief. Am I right?
> 
> Sorry about killing off Julie, but Phil's parents are dead in the comics – according to the Marvel wiki – so I figured that I had to get rid of them somehow. And give a reason for him coming out of cryo early.
> 
> By the way, the reason for using Peter Allen songs as chapter titles? Because I considered calling the fic 'Don't Cryo Out Loud', decided that might be in bad taste, and it all went from there. I'm a terrible person, but I do occasionally have good ideas.
> 
> Sorry about the vagueness of the dates. My brain decided to give up on details. What are details? The devil's in them, so they can't be all that good.
> 
> Please review!


	6. The Lives of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes.

Julie Coulson, née Carter, died a month after Phil was revived. He maintained the role of grieving son, rather than grieving brother-in-law, and found it easy to called his brother 'Dad'. Robert really had grown to look like their father. And Julie had always mothered him, so it wasn't hard to think of her in that role. It made her passing that much harder, and he truly regretted not seeing enough of them.

Robert only lasted a year before he followed. Phil was orphaned for the second time, and it took a few of his fellow agents to stop him from drinking himself stupid.

Initially, it had taken a couple of weeks for him to stop sounding like he came from the forties, and he continued to slip up every so often. Since the cover was that he'd been educated abroad, and brought back to join SHIELD, his oddities could be sufficiently explained away to stop people asking questions. Phil stayed silent as much as possible, and developed a reputation for being observant and unobserved. He blended well into the background, a skill he had cultivated in the war and adapted for this new world.

"You've got old-fashioned manners," Garrett said, clinking his glass against Phil's as they rested between rounds of darts. "D'you know how much women still appreciate that? Especially since you don't have the bigotry to go with it."

"Not my exact area of… experience," Phil said carefully. He was still getting used to the idea of Pride, of being free to be openly homosexual. It didn't matter while he didn't have Bucky by his side.

"Or interest?" Garrett asked, grinning around the lip of his glass. "Thought so."

"I don't date anyone," Phil said. "Still getting over my last boyfriend. Still… in love with him." He took a swig, and noticed Garrett eyeing him. "What? Got a problem with it?"

"Nope," he said, and he chugged down the last of his beer. "Just curious. We've been friends for three months and you know way more about me than I do about you."

"That's because you talk non-stop when you're drunk enough."

"And you clam up when you're drunk."

"Habit."

"It's a good habit," Sitwell said, coming to sit next to them. "Wish I had that kind of control."

"You've got great control," Garrett said, elbowing him. "D'you know anything about Phil's ex?"

"We never really separated," Phil said. "He went missing. He wouldn't have left me if he'd had a choice."

"What was he like?" Sitwell asked. Nick joined them, carrying an armful of snacks. He dumped them on the table of the booth, and slid next to Phil.

"What was who like?" he said.

"Phil's boyfriend."

Nick glanced at him. Phil had told him part of the story, but never who his lover was.

"He was…" Phil sighed. "The best thing that ever happened to me. My… parents approved of him, and were just as cut up when he was reported missing. He was a soldier, so it was MIA. Leads all dried up. Body never found."

"But what was he like?" Garrett pressed.

"Handsomest man I'd ever seen. His eyes sparkled even in the dark. They were blue like the water, and his hair was so dark and soft. He had a great sense of humour, and could flirt for his country. But…" He smiled bitterly. "Not after we got together. He saved that for me. It was the hardest day of my life when his best friend told me he was gone. He disappeared not long after. But I never accepted that B… that my lover was dead."

He noticed Garrett and Sitwell share a look, and frowned at them. "Don't give me that. I couldn't tell you how many people thought I was crazy for searching. But I did. Even though nothing ever came of it, I'll never stop hoping. I have to have faith that he's out there, searching for me as well. Swell guy. He'd never give up on me, either," he murmured into his glass. It was nearly empty. He gulped the rest of it down. "I need another drink before I can start telling you the story of my childhood."

"Sounds like he's a great guy," Sitwell said. Phil nodded slowly.

"He was. Is. He's…" He faltered. "No, he's alive. I'd know if he wasn't."

"What's his name?"

It wasn't like they'd guess. Nick might, but the others didn't know his history.

"James," he said. "He called me 'sweetheart'."

 

The years passed. Phil did swoop to level six in record time, just as Nick challenged him to, and he made many contacts around the world in that time. Accrued many favours as well. He trailed a suspect to a concert in Belgium once, where the Portland Philharmonic was playing. He saved the conductor's life, and discovered that the man had been in intelligence once, which was how he'd ended up as a target.

The conductor's daughter, Audrey, was studying cello. Phil kept in contact with all his acquaintances in the spy and law enforcement community, and offered advice to any of the children wanting to follow in their parents' footsteps. Audrey was only interested in following music, but she could charm information out of people like a natural. When she joined the orchestra, she promised to keep her ear to the ground for information about James Barnes.

"I knew you were obsessed with Captain America and the Howling Commandoes, but do you really think that Bucky Barnes is alive?"

"If he isn't, he deserves a hero's funeral, just like Steve Rogers," Phil said. "SHIELD is still looking for him. Finding Bucky is my side project."

"Okay," she said, nodding. "Don't get your hopes up."

"I won't, String Bean."

She always rolled her eyes at the nickname. But he was like an uncle to her, and was one of the first she called when her father died. He attended the funeral, letting her soak his suit jacket with her tears. The little makeup she wore was easily washed off later.

Iron Man happened. Phil knew that Bucky had always held out hope that there'd be flying cars one day. A flying robot – built by Howard's son, no less – would have fascinated him.

Phil had mostly let go of the idea that Bucky was still alive. If he hadn't died, and just lived his life naturally, he would be in his nineties by now, like Phil was supposed to be, assuming he hadn't passed away from natural causes.

But… there was still the tiniest bit, deep down inside, which screamed at him not to give up hope. He couldn't have disappeared into thin air.

Although meeting Thor revised that opinion. He never had a chance to ask whether Thor could find out what had happened to Bucky. The alien/demi-god didn't return to Earth, and Phil figured that it was fate. He was never meant to discover what had happened to the only man he loved.

 

"Will you ever give up?" Nick murmured to Phil, while they looked out over the sky from the Helicarrier.

"The search will continue even after I'm gone," he replied. "He deserves nothing less than that."

"Well." Nick turned to face him fully, and Phil half-smiled. "You'll be glad to hear that we've called off the search for Steve Rogers."

"What?" Phil spun around, no longer smiling. "How could you? Why the hell would I be glad about that? He didn't hate the idea of us… unless…" He swallowed. "You found him, didn't you?"

"More than that, he's alive, and recovering at the New York base, or near it."

"I have to see him," Phil said.

"He might not recognise you."

"I know I'm a couple of decades older, and he wouldn't expect me to be this well-preserved for someone nearing a hundred. But he's seen crazier things."

"Which is why you're gonna be bringing him in when the time's right."

Phil smiled in relief. "Good. I wish he could see Peggy, but she's…"

"Maybe one day, after he's gotten used to this," Nick said, and he clapped Phil on the shoulder.

"Has she got that long?"

"I don't know. She's _your_ 'mother's' cousin."

"Thanks for making me feel… I don't know what age," Phil said sardonically.

"You're welcome, Cheese."

"Ugh, I don't even remember how you came up with that damn name."

"How'd you come up with Audrey's nickname?"

"She plays a string instrument!"

"Get some sleep, Phil," Nick said, urging him back inside. "The time may come sooner than you think."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna skip back in time a little in the next chapter, just so you know. And swapping to a different point-of-view. And Avengers will happen somewhere along the way, as well, though we'll only get the aftermath. Mostly.
> 
> Please review, dear readers!


	7. Come Save Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With memories comes pain. At least, if you're the Asset.

The sixth time the Asset was given a mission, it involved taking out a president. He was shown a picture of his target and told to kill him. He knew not to question his orders. Questions meant pain. He didn't want pain.

"Damn it," one of his masters said. "There's a SHIELD agent. Soldier, take him out. The one near the president. He's wearing a light green tie."

The Asset lined up the shot, watching the man through the lens of his long-range rifle. His finger paused on the trigger.

"Shoot!"

"No," he said quietly. Whoever the man in the green tie was, he pushed the Asset's target into a black car with protected windows, and the Asset's chance was lost.

His master was not pleased.

"Why the hell didn't you shoot him?" he shouted, waving his arms. It was an illogical action, outside of the Asset's parameters, so he ignored it. "He was right there, an easy shot. I could've made it."

"I wouldn't let you," the Asset said. He didn't mean to, and he knew that pain would come. But the man in the green tie was too important. He meant something more to the Asset than the missions. He meant more than the Asset's own life.

"You… you wouldn't _let_ me?" his master said.

"Calm down," the one known as Pierce said. "I'm sure he had good reason. What was that?"

"He must be safe," the Asset said. "No one must hurt him."

"I can't believe I'm hearing this," his master said, pacing back and forth. "It's just Coulson."

"Coulson," the Asset whispered. "That name…"

Everyone else fell silent. It wasn't his place to speak; he never should have.

"You know him?" Pierce said. "How could you know Phil Coulson?"

"Phil." The Asset felt something in his mind. Something like a memory. Lips. Hands. Dim lights. A strong emotion.

"What?" his master said. "How the hell…? You've never met him."

"I know him," the Asset said. "I know that man. Why do I know him? I have touched him. He… he is mine."

After that, there was pain. All he could hold onto was a face and a feeling, which he locked deep inside.

 

The next time the Asset was used, something triggered a memory to surface. He was dragged to his mission, trying to figure out why red and blue circles and a white star would make him feel almost happy. He was not supposed to feel. There was only the next mission, and pain if he failed.

"If you don't make this shot, then _he_ dies," his new master said, pointing. The Asset looked where he was told, and saw a man. He remembered something. That man must not be hurt. Last time there was green. This time, it was red. A red tie. "Get it? If you fail, Coulson dies."

"Coulson…"

"That's right."

"Coulson…"

"Just do your job, yeah? Go on."

"I want to see him."

"Later. You can see him later. Complete your mission, then you'll get to see him."

He completed his mission, but he was taken away before he could see the man Coulson-in-the-red-tie. He fought back. He wanted to find His Coulson. Because he belonged to the Asset, to Bucky…

Bucky?

Who the hell was Bucky?

"Put him in the machine," Pierce said. He looked older.

"We're trying, sir," one of the Asset's masters said. Bucky's master? No. Bucky didn't have masters. Bucky had… had Phil Coulson. Phil!

"Phil!" he shouted, trying to push past. Someone swore, and he was eventually strapped down. Pierce pushed one of the technicians out of the way, and approached Bucky.

"I can have Phil Coulson killed with one word," he said. "Simmer down, or he'll be the next target on someone's list."

Bucky tried to think of a way out, to get to Phil and keep him safe. Before he could, there was pain.

 

The Asset was packing up his weapon after another mission, when he overheard two of his masters talking.

"Who knew they were experimenting with cryo back in the forties?" one said.

"And that Coulson was the original guinea pig? Garrett and Sitwell told Pierce that Coulson and Barnes were together."

"Wasn't that illegal back then?"

"So was booze, but didn't you ever hear of speakeasies?"

'Coulson'. 'Barnes'. Names which were so familiar to the Asset. But the Asset had no memories.

Was not supposed to have memories. Then why did he feel so warm just thinking about the name 'Coulson'? Why did he want to kill these two men – his masters – for talking about him so irreverently?

This time, he was put in a box before pain, and then he could think of nothing.

 

"Clint Barton is being followed by SHIELD, and he's taken out three of ours for someone else," his master said, while the Asset settled in at the best vantage point. "As soon as you can, take a shot. Not a fatal one; we want to bring him in before we kill him. Or recruit him before SHIELD can. Take him in the leg or something. But no head-shot. Not unless someone interferes; then you kill them."

The Asset nodded, setting up his rifle. He noticed movement in the shadows through the scope, and was about to squeeze the trigger when someone moved into the light. He knew that face. Not red tie. Not green tie. He was wearing all black. But the Asset knew him. The name started with a 'c' or 'k'. He almost missed the moment when his target began to run. He moved the rifle swiftly enough to get out a shot, but before he could red bloomed on the target's leg.

"Great work," his master said, slapping the Asset on the back. He spoke into his communications unit. "Go get him… hold on."

The Asset had no need of a rifle scope to see what was happening. The man he recognised – something-son – scooped up the target and dumped him into a car. The Asset's master was telling him to shoot, but the Asset couldn't.

"Not him," he said.

"What do you mean? Shit, was that… that was Phil Coulson. Who in SHIELD sent Coulson after him? Pierce _knew_ we were taking Barnes with us on this one."

Coulson. That was it. The Asset didn't know who this Barnes was supposed to be, but Coulson was important. He belonged to the Asset. Nothing else did. Only this Coulson, who meant so much.

The pain was so much worse than usual, as the one piece of good was stolen from the Asset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear. Poor, poor Asset. I mean, Bucky.
> 
> You think he wouldn't hurt Steve? Then of course he's not gonna hurt Phil. Daw, it must be love! And how that hurts the author.
> 
> Review, if you please. Reviews are love. :D


	8. Somebody's Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Asset gets a special mission, but the pain never ends.

"He's made enemies," Pierce said, pushing the Asset into the hospital ward. "His name is Phil Coulson."

The Asset looked down at the man with padding over his chest and tubes all over his body. There were bandages over his head, and the Asset wondered what had happened to the man. Phil Coulson. Up close, he evoked feelings of… something light. The Asset reached out to touch him, and hesitated. He did not have permission.

"You can touch him," Pierce assured the Asset. "Carefully."

The Asset chose to use his flesh hand. He could feel better with that one. Phil Coulson's skin was warm and soft, and the Asset wanted more. He wrapped his hand around the only untouched part of Phil Coulson's arm, tracing veins, the fine hairs tickling his palm.

"Mine," he murmured.

"Protect him against these people," Pierce said, showing the Asset a series of photographs. "The vents will be free. We want these people gone. Tranquilise them, drag them into the vents, and notify me. I'll send someone to pick them up. If they try to awake, break their necks."

"Will they come?" the Asset asked, turning his attention back to Phil Coulson.

"We have intel on at least two. They are enemies we have in common. Coulson's a good lure."

"Thank you," the Asset said. The words felt wrong, but he wanted this mission. He would protect Phil Coulson.

"Keep him safe in general," Pierce said. "We need him. If anything happened to him, you'd…" He cleared his throat. "It wouldn't go down well. Don't mess this up, or I won't be happy."

The Asset nodded, and climbed swiftly into the vent. He had a perfect view. If any of Phil's enemies got this far, they'd pay for it.

 

He learnt about what happened to Phil. He was Phil to the Asset. Phil… sweetheart. The Asset was sure that was right. Sweetheart. People visited. Some of them the Asset recognised; others were strangers, but non-threatening.

Only two of the targets reached Sweetheart's hospital room. The man in the bed never moved as the Asset tranquilised and removed both threats. He was waiting in the vents with the second one, having notified Pierce that he was ready, when he noticed Phil shift in his bed. Curious, the Asset climbed down. Strange images kept coming to him while he napped in the shafts. He now approached the bed, and leant over to study Phil's face.

"Sweetheart?" he said, trying out the word. Phil smiled a little. It was a sight the Asset hadn't seen in a long time.

"Bucky," he mumbled. The Asset jerked back, feeling a surge of anger that Phil – who belonged to the Asset – would be saying 'Bucky'. What did it mean?

It… it meant something, though. It had to, or Phil would not say it.

"Phil," he whispered.

"Love…" Then Phil Sweetheart settled, and the Asset retreated to the vents. He was perturbed. Nothing made sense. He curled up, taking his position again, just in case another threat arrived.

Phil. Love. Sweetheart. Bucky. His heart clenched at each word as they beat away in his head. He couldn't take his eyes off Phil, no matter how hard he tried. He wanted, God, how he wanted. He hated his masters for not letting him have this. Phil was his; the Asset knew this.

The Asset. Bucky. Was Bucky his name? Was he the one Phil was thinking of? He must have been.

Barnes. Sergeant Bucky Barnes. James Barnes. Friend of Captain America. Illicit lover of Phil Coulson. He hissed as memories assault him, covered his face with his free hand. He clenched his teeth as he worked through the barrage of images and sounds. Nights spent in the darkness with Phil. Missions with the Howling Commandoes. Everything that HYDRA had taken away from him.

Bucky didn't know what SHIELD was, but it was in danger from HYDRA. There were spies. He knew that much, remembered hearing it. And Phil was in danger. He was only alive because he meant something to Bucky.

Phil was thinking of him while he slept. After all this time. What year was it?

There was a newspaper beside the bed, left by the man with one eye. Bucky used his scope to check the year.

2012? Nearly seventy years on, and Phil still thought of him? And… and looked so young?

He didn't understand any of it, but one thing was clear; he had to escape – somehow – and get Phil the hell away from HYDRA. Had to warn him, warn all of them.

He glanced back when he heard someone in the vents behind him. One of his masters.

"Heard you talking to him," he said, jerking his head to indicate Phil. Bucky scowled.

"Get the hell out of here before I kill you," he said. His 'master' smiled, aimed something, and Bucky only knew blackness.

 

Phil stirred for the first time. He saw Nick at his bedside, reading the newspaper.

"What happened?" he croaked. Nick raised an eyebrow, looking at him over the top of the paper.

"`Bout damn time you woke up," he said.

"Was someone… here?"

"Okay, you need a drink first. You sound like you ate a desert."

"Hyperbole."

"Shut up, and take a sip."

Phil sipped a little bit of water, and Nick pressed the nurse's button. Then he settled back down, leather coat looking as good as knew but silent in the way only an old coat can be.

"I dreamed," he murmured. "About Bucky. I felt like he was here with me. Even thought I heard his voice at one point."

"There've been plenty of people around," Nick said. "You probably heard one of them."

"I know the difference!" Phil said with energy. "I heard him."

"Well, if he's been here, the security footage hasn't shown anything of him. Damn lucky no one tried to break in."

"Hoped that maybe…" Phil sighed. A nurse bustled in, and he could only give Nick a look of frustration. The director of SHIELD just looked slightly smug, and settled back while Phil was fussed over. When they were left alone again – for who knew how long – Phil went to speak.

"The Avengers don't know you're alive," Nick said. Phil fidgeted with his bed covers.

"Steve didn't recognise me," he said. "I used the code phrase I told him about, but he just… it was awkward. I wish I'd never gotten stuck into those comics. Thought it'd be hilarious. Just made me feel nostalgic." He thought of something. "My cards…"

Nick winced. "We're sending you to Tahiti for some R and R—"

"Nicholas Fury, _where are my cards_?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, and the angst isn't gonna finish anytime soon. This is one of those 'earn your happy endings' kind of fics. They won't really meet again until close to the end of the story; but then this is more of a slice-of-life series of chapters. Linear-ish at times, but – as you can already tell – not entirely.
> 
> I'm confused. Can't imagine how you feel, dear readers.


	9. Hit in the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a day for remembering, unfortunately for Steve.

"…son of Robert and Julie Coulson, it was only natural that he would join SHIELD," Fury read. Steve's head jerked up when he heard the names.

"Robert and Julie?" he murmured. "The scientists."

"What?" Tony said. Steve looked down at him.

"They were scientists," he said. "They worked for your father. I knew them. They must've named him after Robert's brother, Phil. He was a good guy."

"Huh." The director continued to read the eulogy. "I wouldn't remember their names even if I met them. What was his uncle like?"

"Well…" Steve didn't think it was his place to mention the relationship. "He worked in intelligence. Friends with Bucky." His death still felt fresh. "I had to deliver the news after he… he…"

"They never really stopped the search," Tony said. He paused when he saw Natasha's death glare. Steve bowed his head.

"Thank you," he said.

After the service, the Avengers gathered together.

"Phil's parents were dead before I met him," Clint said as they walked between the graves.

"His uncle…" Steve sighed, and stopped. They all turned to look at him. "You can't tell anyone else what I'm about to tell you."

"Keep secrets for a living," Natasha said, gesturing to herself and Clint.

"It would be a dishonour to reveal a confidence," Thor said.

"I'll probably forget it," Tony said.

Bruce shrugged. "Who am I going to tell?"

"Okay." Steve swallowed. "Coulson's uncle Phil was in a… a relationship with Bucky." He scrubbed a hand through his hair. "I don't know why I'm telling you. But I couldn't back then, and it's all coming back to me. This." He waved his hand towards Phil's grave. "It makes me wonder why they'd name him after his uncle. I have no idea what happened to Phil Coulson. Shit, our last conversation was when I tried to tell him that Bucky was dead, and he wouldn't believe it. He said that he'd try to keep an eye on me until Bucky was back. Said he'd watch while I…" He blinked slowly. "The intelligence code phrase. Watch me while I was sleeping. I…" He shook his head, and stumbled towards a tree.

"Steve?" Clint asked, running to his side. He grabbed Steve's shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"It was him," Steve gasped. "I… I can't throw up in a graveyard. It'd be disrespectful. But I feel… I feel sick." He sank to the ground, and the others gathered around him.

"What're you talking about?"

"Him," Steve said. He squeezed his hands into fists. "Fuck. Phil was Phil. The Phil I knew. When we were on the plane to the Helicarrier, he said he'd watched me while I was sleeping. That's what he said he'd do. It was one of the intelligence taglines, I guess you could say. I was being watched, since I was a military project. A couple of decades older… I can see it." He covered his mouth, and Natasha squatted beside him and Clint.

"You're saying that Phil somehow time-travelled," she said. Tony swore.

"No," he said. He was on his phone. "Just accessing the digitised versions of Dad's old files. Coulson comma P. The first person to go into Stark cryopreservation. Brother of Coulson comma R. This the guy?" He held the phone out, and Steve nodded at the sepia-coloured photograph of the Phil he'd known. "Okay. Age by about twenty years."

"He must have come out of cryo twenty years ago, then," Clint said. "We can access the SHIELD files. That'd be about the time he joined, according to the eulogy."

"And he pretended to be Julie and Robert's son," Steve said. He was shaking, he knew. Clint rubbed his arms.

"Calm down, Cap," he said.

"I should've looked after him," he said. "No wonder he was so awkward after that. He must've realised that I didn't recognise him."

"There was no reason for you to do so," Natasha said.

"After everything I've seen?" he asked. "I was on the ice for seventy years. Phil could've become enhanced in that time."

"Except it was really just advanced science," Bruce said, leaning on the tree beside Steve. Thor hummed.

"We have different methods of preservation on Asgard," he said. "Those are through magic as well as science."

"Well." Steve rubbed his hands down his face. "At least he's with Bucky now. I wish they could've been together openly. It's just not fair."

"Life isn't fair," Tony said. "Before we go into a pity fest, people, I've got the records here. Looks like you're right. The dates fit."

"What's this message I've received, that you're hacking SHIELD?" Fury said. They all looked up at him, standing nearby. "Again?"

"There's only one Phil Coulson, isn't there?" Steve asked. He was aware of some moisture on his eyelashes, but he didn't care. "Robert's brother, not son."

Fury stared at him for a moment. "Yeah. You finally worked that out?"

"I didn't make the connection until a couple of minutes ago. You should've told me."

"You lost enough, captain."

"But if I'd known, we could've caught up. Maybe he never would've died."

"Hmm." Fury looked each of them in the eyes, ending on Thor. "You're going back to Asgard tomorrow?"

"Yes," Thor said, drawing himself up regally.

"Good. Have a nice journey. See the rest of you around, I hope. Well." His eye narrowed at Tony. "I won't hope too hard for some of you."

"Yeah, you too," Tony muttered as Fury strode off. "Fucking spymaster."

"Let's get back to the tower," Natasha said, helping Steve up. He supported himself against the tree for a second.

"I'm okay," he said. "I just can't believe that's yet _another_ person to mourn."

"I truly am sorry, Captain Rogers," Thor said quietly. Steve shook his head.

"Not your fault," he said.

"Had I acted differently—"

"It was Loki's doing. He's the one who skewered Phil through the chest. Wish I'd got there in time. Bucky would be ashamed."

"As you said, they're together now," Natasha said, touching his shoulder. "We can get takeout, and you can tell us everything you remember about him from the war."

"Kinda surreal," Clint said. "We worked with a forty-something who was in World War Two."

"Ninety-something," Steve said. "Nearly a hundred, by his birth certificate."

"Wow," Tony said flatly. "We could've had a celebration. The only hundredth birthday party where you don't have to worry about someone dropping dead of a heart attack."

"Considering how he died, don't you think that's a little insensitive?" Clint scolded. Natasha, Bruce, and Thor stayed with Steve while Clint and Tony went ahead, arguing.

"I wish I'd known him," Bruce said. "We only spoke a few words to each other, and it was work-related."

"At least you didn't blow off the lover of your best friend," Steve muttered bitterly.

"You didn't know it was him, and Loki's staff was affecting us all."

"It's no excuse… but thanks for trying, doc."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another time jump about to happen, peoples! I apologise for not having dates at the start of chapters, but it's less sudden. They're more of a necessity in fics like 'The Agent and the Human Torch', where I was constantly jumping times. Hmm.
> 
> Hope there are still some people reading this.
> 
> Review, review, review!


	10. All I Wanted Was the Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is back. Phil is still presumed dead, and Steve has to break the news. But will Bucky believe it?

Bucky Barnes found himself in Budapest. A strange place, and he wasn't sure he'd ever been there before. If he had been, it was probably while he was under HYDRA's control.

Having recovered most of his memories, remembered enough of who he was to start back towards the States, he thought over Phil Coulson. The various assassinations he'd undertaken were jumbled – but God, he remembered the Starks all too well – and he knew that he'd seen Phil. Or thought he'd seen Phil. It was impossible, wasn't it?

Green tie… red tie… hospital bed.

Was he still there?

No, he couldn't have been. It was 2015, and the newspaper in the hospital was dated 2012. If Bucky really hadn't dreamed that – if, by some miracle, Phil was still alive – then it had been three years. Even if he could recall the name of the hospital, Phil was very unlikely to still be a patient there.

Had he… had he even made it? A heart injury, stab wound from what the doctors had said (if Bucky hadn't dreamed up that part, either). It would be hard to bounce back from that.

And it'd been decades since they last saw each other. If Phil had been enhanced, who's to say he hadn't found someone else in that time?

"Hey."

A dark man stepped out of the shadows. He was the one with wings, Bucky reminded himself. He knew Steve.

"I've seen you before," Bucky said, moving closer. "You're friends with Steve?"

"Yeah," the man said. "But he was always closer to you, Barnes."

"You know who I am."

"Of course I do, man. Sam Wilson." He held out his hand. Bucky took it, and shook. "Do you know who you are?"

"Sergeant James Barnes," Bucky said. "Where is he? Where's Steve?"

"Waiting for you," Sam said. "C'mon. He wasn't sure how you'd react to seeing him."

"You've been following me."

"Trying to. You're damn hard to find. I'm impressed."

"You can fly," Bucky said. "That's even more impressive."

Sam grinned, his teeth pearly white in the moonlight. "That's right."

 

It was a whirlwind after that. Steve peppered Bucky with questions virtually the entire time it took to fly back to America. To New York, not DC.

"We're staying with Tony Stark," Steve said. "He's got a reinforced room while Bruce is away."

Bucky's head spun. "I can't. Not Stark."

Steve sighed. "He doesn't blame you. He's had a long time to get over it, and we all know… we've discussed it. He wouldn't make you welcome in his home if he couldn't handle the fact that you were used to kill his parents."

"I was supposed to go after Anthony, but Howard begged me not to. I was punished for that."

"That… is something you should tell Tony. Eventually. Not right now."

"We're not even there yet," Bucky pointed out. Sam chuckled, and Steve rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, jerk," he muttered.

"Punk." He paused. "Listen, I know this sounds… strange, but I can remember something from my… I should call them my nightmares, but when I saw him they were more like dreams."

"O-oh?" Steve asked. He wasn't looking at Bucky.

"About… Do you remember Phil Coulson? My…" He turned pink, and coughed. "You know?"

"Yeah, I remember Phil."

"I could've sworn I saw him, or someone like him. Did he… have children?"

"No, he didn't. He never married."

"You mean you know what happened to him? I'm so confused. I've tried to read what I can, but there was nothing on Phil."

"He worked for SHIELD."

"Yes, I know that," Bucky said. "I remember that from the dreams. But does he still work for them? If there's anyone left?" His stomach dropped at the look on both Steve and Sam's faces. "He died because of me, didn't he?"

"No," Steve said. "No, Bucky, he didn't."

"Then where is he?"

"He…" Steve looked down at his lap. "A few years back, aliens hit New York. Phil died trying to stop the bad guy. I didn't know it was him until after his funeral, when I worked it out. I'm so sorry, Buck." He met Bucky's eyes. "I should've protected him for you."

"Wasn't your job," Bucky said. So Phil hadn't made it out of hospital.

"If it's any comfort… he never stopped believing that you were alive. I was the one who told him after you… fell. He wouldn't believe it then, and he died still thinking that you had to be alive somewhere. He was the one to keep pushing for the search for you."

"Not that it worked," Bucky muttered bitterly.

"If I'd had any idea… I should've believed him."

Bucky shook his head. "No. He can't be dead. Hurt, maybe, but not dead. It doesn't feel like it."

"Bucky, you're in shock—"

"It doesn't _feel_ like it!" The Soldier raged inside him, but Bucky kept a tight lid on him.

"Buck—"

"I'd feel it _here_." He clapped a hand to his chest, over his heart. "He has to be alive, and I'm gonna find him. I dreamt about him. Something was different. He wouldn't die just `cause he was stabbed through the heart."

"It's starting all over again," Steve said. "He reacted just the same way… Wait. I didn't say anything about him being stabbed."

"You didn't have to," Bucky said. He glanced at Steve. "I saw him in hospital. Heard the doctors."

"You what?"

"It was in two thousand and twelve. There were people after him, and Pierce sent me to watch over him, and take out anyone who got too close. Only had a chance to kill two of them before I remembered who I was, and was knocked out before I could run."

"In hospital? That can't be right. He died on the scene."

"No. There were definitely bandages over his chest and his head."

"He must've had another injury earlier that year," Steve said, shaking his head. "`Cause that can't be right. The paramedics called it on site."

"Steve." Bucky clenched his hands. "If he was revived in hospital, then maybe he was sent away somewhere by SHIELD. I never heard anything else about him while I was with HYDRA. Any time I saw him in the field, I couldn't hurt him. All I knew was that he was mine, and he couldn't be hurt."

"Maybe HYDRA kept him alive to control you," Sam said, piping up for the first time in awhile. "Maybe they brought him back to life somehow, and have been holding him hostage."

"For three years?" Steve said, raising his eyebrows. Bucky glared at him. "I'm not saying it's not impossible, but… what if they've brainwashed him?"

"Then I'm the one person who can help him," Bucky said. "Is there any way we could find out?"

"Bucky, you could be wrong…"

"And I'm sure people said the same thing to Phil. But he was right all along, as you can see." He spread his hands. "So I'm gonna do him the same courtesy. First, was he buried?"

"Yes. I attended the funeral."

"Then we're gonna dig up his grave and see if he's there. I won't believe he's dead until I see the evidence for myself."

"You should contact Fury," Sam said. Bucky winced.

"He's still alive?" he said.

"Yes," Steve said. "If I had his number I'd contact him."

"He… had an eye patch and a leather coat?"

"That's the one."

Bucky frowned slightly. "He visited Phil in hospital."

Steve and Sam looked at each other, and then at Bucky.

"I'll have Tony find him," Steve said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh! Yeah, I had different notes for what I was going to do, but then there were many possible ways I could go. More action was involved, including HYDRA kidnapping Phil while they still had control of Bucky and using Phil to make him behave… but then they learnt in previous chapters that it's not good to unite them, because it just breaks Bucky's brainwashing. (Alliteration!) Didn't make sense for them to keep making that mistake.
> 
> Please review, peeps!


	11. I'd Rather Leave While I'm In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Insecurity and self-sacrificing. And a bit of jealousy.

"Yo, DC," Skye said, poking her head in the door. Phil was sifting through files on his desktop, which he immediately closed. No need for her to see what they were about.

"What is it, Skye?" he asked.

"I'll get you to use my new name one of these days."

"It's not a new name, it's a code name."

"Superhero name!"

"I'll ask again, what is it, Skye?"

"Uh, thought you should know that a red flag's gone up," she said. He arched an eyebrow. "On your profile. And med records. I scrambled to get all our info off the waves, but apparently someone's looking for you."

"Can you tell who?"

"Um… the hacker might be Tony Stark?"

"Shit," Phil said, covering his face. "That's the last thing I need."

"I put him off the trail which, yay, is _awesome_."

"Thank you, Skye."

He noticed her make a face between his fingers. "You'll say it one of these days."

"Only when it's necessary. Be happy I'm not using it in everyday conversation."

"I guess." She brightened, and waved. "See ya!" And then disappeared again. He sighed, and reopened the files.

From what they could tell, Bucky Barnes was at Stark Tower. There were very few records on the Winter Soldier – called the Asset by the HYDRA bastards who used him – and he could only guess what atrocities Bucky had been forced to commit. He swallowed down the bile that rose whenever he considered the indignities they could have tried.

Phil missed him; God, how he missed him. All it would take would be one call to Stark Tower, or to Stark Industries – he could easily get Pepper's phone number – and they'd all know that he was alive. He could see Bucky again… assuming he was even recognised. Steve hadn't recognised him, that was for sure, even after Phil used the code phrase. One of the last things he said to Steve was that he'd be watching over him. Hell, Phil had been awake a lot longer than Steve and he still remembered it.

But then Steve would have remembered someone a lot younger. He'd had his own problems to deal with; no time to spare a thought for his best friend's secret boyfriend.

It seemed ridiculous, keeping up the charade of being dead. Clint and Natasha definitely should have been told, but if they had, surely they would have informed the others? There was no doubt that Stark would have descended on Phil, demanding to know what he was playing at. Sif had told him that Thor had no idea that he was alive, so it seemed unlikely that Natasha or Clint had spilled.

He truly was dead to the Avengers. It kind of hurt.

Phil was the head of New SHIELD, and he could have said 'Screw you' to Fury's plans, and revealed himself. To Bucky, at least. See if he recognised Phil. Unfortunately, there were flaws with that idea:

1\. Bucky was, physically, much younger than Phil

2\. He was still recovering from HYDRA, and didn't need stress or confusion

3\. It was unlikely that he would recognise Phil as his old lover

4\. They'd both changed significantly, which could cause friction, and not the fun kind

5\. Bucky could easily find someone closer to his own physiological age

He stopped there with his list. If he continued on, Phil would just become more depressed himself, and he couldn't lead his team with such issues looming over his head. He would have to stay away; that's all there was to it.

 

Bucky fiddled with the cup in his hands. It was mostly empty now, only the dregs of coffee remaining.

"Did he ever meet anyone else?" he asked softly.

"Pepper told me he met up with a cellist, and was friendly with her," Tony said. "Can't remember much else."

"Could we find out who she is? I want to talk to her. Find out how he was."

"Course I can. Gimme a minute."

"Are you sure about this, Buck?" Steve murmured, touching his hand. "You don't have to, if it's gonna be too painful."

"I've known the meaning of pain, Steve. I need to know that he was happy." He looked at Clint and Natasha. "Was there anyone else?"

"Never heard of anyone," Clint said. "That's the kinda thing people would gossip about. He never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, which added to the rumour that he was a robot."

"But if he could keep the cellist quiet," Steve said. He winced at Bucky's look. "Sorry."

"Got her," Tony said. "Cellist, Portland. Name's Audrey. Calling her now."

"What?" Bucky said, sitting up straight and spilling the last bit of coffee onto the floor. He dropped the cup, which rolled off his foot. "I'm not ready—"

"Hello?" a young woman said. Bucky swallowed.

"Hi," he said. "You don't know me, but my name is James. I'm Bucky Barnes."

There was silence. Then, "Holy cow, he was right all along."

"What d'you mean?" Bucky asked.

"Phil Coulson," she said. "He's… he was a big fan of Captain America and the Howling Commandoes." She sounded choked. "Great guy. He kept looking for you. Never gave up hope that you'd be found."

"Did you know him well?"

"Yes, I did. Why do you ask?"

"Just… wanted to make sure he was happy."

"Well…" She paused. "He was never _really_ happy."

"Why not?" he asked, tilting his head.

"Look, I've known him since I was a child, and he was like an uncle to me—"

"An uncle?" he said. "I thought you two were dating?"

"Did you?" She laughed. "Bless you. No, he was gay. Kind of infatuated with you, if you ask me. Never knew him to date anyone. It's funny, you know. I dreamed about him a few months back. Some SHIELD agents got rid of a super-powered stalker of mine. I passed out or something, and I thought I heard Phil's voice, letting me know he was okay. He was friends with my dad, see; that's how I knew him."

"So you went out with him because of that?" Bucky asked.

"Phil was a good man. He was a shoulder to cry on at Dad's funeral. It was great to keep seeing him, and keep him updated on… well, you."

He frowned, glancing at Steve, who seemed equally confused. "Me?"

She sighed. "Listen, the orchestra travels a lot, and Dad was involved with the CIA before he married Mom. She was murdered in a revenge killing. Phil saved Dad, and… well, I'm not in intelligence, but I have contacts, and I always kept an ear out for anything that could indicate what'd happened to you. Where you might be, whether there was a body found, police reports, hospital reports. Phil said I had enough charm to charge a power station." Her voice softened. "I really miss him. He'd be real glad to know that you're alive, Sergeant Barnes. It's… it's really you, isn't it?"

"Yeah," he said.

"Good. I mean, Phil's dead, my parents are dead, so it doesn't matter that I told you all about that. Hey, I could send you a recording of one of our concerts? I have some copies of his favourite."

"That'd be great," Bucky said. His throat felt thick. "I'm staying at Stark Tower. Just address it to Bucky Barnes, and put your name on the back."

"Will do," she said. "I've gotta ask, what's your interest?"

"Well," he said, floundering for a moment, "as you said, he pushed for me to be found."

"It's just that if you know something I don't… if you found out that he was alive… could you get him to call me? Please? I know things are crazy these days, and if it's at all possible that he survived, I'd really like to know."

"I'll remember that," he said. "Thanks."

"Bye."

Tony hung up, and Bucky sank back into the cushions. He'd failed to notice Steve mopping up the mess he'd created on the floor, and was just glad that it wasn't carpet.

"Sorry," he said. "You should've let me do that."

"Nah, it's okay," Steve said. "Feel better now?"

Bucky swallowed.

"Right," he said. "Phil never dated. He never stopped looking for me. He never really stopped believing that I was alive. He died without knowing that I worked for the enemy. And if he's alive… he'll know where I am. He could easily visit. So why hasn't he?"

"Put it this way," Tony said. "If he suddenly appeared, there's every likelihood we'd shoot first."

"But he could call ahead. Maybe he's afraid of the Winter Soldier?"

"Maybe he thinks that you wouldn't be interested anymore," Natasha pointed out. "There's a greater age difference. You've been through hell, and it's possible that he has, as well. He was dead. If he was brought back to life… what would it take? Does he still have his mind?"

"Any records on him have disappeared," Tony said. "I tried to follow one trail, and it led to a dead end. I don't know who's done it, but it was thorough."

"He really mustn't want to see me, if he's still alive," Bucky said.

"Pretty big 'if'," Steve said.

"He can't just have vanished into thin air, Steve! No, he's alive. I can feel it. We just need to find him."

"In the meantime," JARVIS said, "I believe there is a need to assemble?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author note would be dull. Please review!
> 
> Ooh! And then I realised something: Amy Ackers has played Clark Gregg's niece. Didn't notice that when I wrote this. Hmm. Strange place, my subconscious.


	12. The More I See You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hallucinations? Or not?

It wasn't the first time. Bucky had 'seen' Phil plenty of times before, making it hard to draw the line between fantasies and hallucinations. The thought – the hope, the _feeling_ – that he could still be alive just made it worse. He began to see the man all over the place, or so it felt like.

So it wasn't the first time. But it was the first time it seemed real. HYDRA – goddamn HYDRA – were making trouble in Texas. It took a long time to get there. While JARVIS tapped into the CCTV to observe the proceedings, and into the police radio to get updates, the rest of them – those who couldn't fly ahead – stayed on the plane and developed battle plans. Bucky listened, nodded, absorbed his instructions. He was armed and he had a grudge.

"I have detected seismic activity in the area," JARVIS reported. Tony and Thor had gone on ahead, taking Clint as their eyes while Natasha flew the jet, and threw in her two cents worth from the cockpit.

"Generated by HYDRA?" Steve asked.

"No, Captain Rogers. I do not believe so. This does not seem to be produced by human technology."

"Asgardian?"

"I cannot say, sir."

"All right. Just keep on watching for us."

"I'll drop when we get there," Sam said, pulling on his wings.

"JARVIS, is there somewhere good to land?" Natasha asked.

"I have already calculated the most strategic places, Agent Romanov. I will add the destinations to your flight path, and you may choose the most appropriate."

"Thanks."

They landed soon enough. For all that the plane ride seemed slow, battle was fast. Pre-warned about the earthquakes, the Avengers, Sam, and Bucky relied a lot on quick footwork and boosting rides from Iron Man, Thor, and the Falcon. There were some civilians chivvying others to safety, and occasionally firing at HYDRA agents. They were particularly preoccupied with a large building, 'HI' emblazoned on the side.

"Fucking Hammer," Tony said over the comms.

"Don't need to know what you get up to in your garage, Tony, and we don't need you fantasising about it," Steve said. "Pants up and get on fighting."

Bucky snorted as Tony spluttered. He got caught up when he recognised one or two of his former 'masters', and took great pleasure in killing them painfully, in a way they couldn't come back from. They breathed their last breaths as he stalked away, almost glad that he was wearing his armour and masks. It held a greater irony. It even helped him sneak up on a few agents who thought he was still on their side. Ha.

So he got the surprise of his life when he thought he saw Phil Coulson yelling at some people to get to cover. He turned and shot at an agent who was dropping from the sky.

Then he looked in Bucky's direction. The Winter Soldier blinked once, disbelieving, and the vision was gone. No sign of Phil. He must have imagined it.

 

"It's time to get Quake and go," Phil said. "We've managed to avoid CCTV, but we could still be seen. And the Avengers are here. We're surplus to requirements."

"They'll find out that you're alive one day, you know," May said.

"But not today. I don't even matter that much to them. Pepper, maybe. But I was never close to Barton and Romanov; we never spent any down time together. Banter was the extent of our working relationship."

"And the others?" she asked as Phil gestured to Bobbi and Hunter to retreat to the plane.

"Not close enough to any of them," he said. "They'd all just be pissed off if they found out that they'd been lied to for so long, and then there'd be no collaboration between New SHIELD and the Avengers."

"We can't collaborate with them now," she pointed out. "The longer you leave it…"

"It won't make any difference," Phil said. "Cover me. I'm gonna get Skye."

"I think it's nearly over anyway," she said, looking back as she covered his six.

"All the more reason to get out and go. The public doesn't really like new superheroes, and it hates SHIELD. We can't afford to stay behind."

"Even though you want to see them again?"

He glared at her mildly. "Are we really talking about this? Right now?"

"There's Skye."

He sighed, and waved at Skye. She lowered her hands, and the ground stopped vibrating. She'd managed to cause damage, including to the foundations of the Hammer Industries-supported warehouse HYDRA was so interested in. Fitz, Simmons, and Mack had already cleared out what they needed to. It was purely bad luck that led to a HYDRA agent discovering them sneaking out, and sparking a bit of a… situation. Phil had put out an alert, which someone must have intercepted. Probably JARVIS, who then would've told the Avengers. Good that they were able to get here so quickly. Phil and his team had done their work; the superheroes could clean up for them.

He tried to ignore the twinge in his chest from seeing Bucky again. He was in full Winter Soldier uniform, but definitely fighting alongside the Avengers. It would be good if he could be integrated into the initiative, along with the Falcon, aka Sam Wilson. He'd fought well, even saved Simmons's life. No doubt there'd be pictures of him appearing on the walls of her bunk next.

 

Phil saw Bucky another time. He saw him oftener than he would've liked, and sometimes he wondered whether it was just his imagination playing tricks on him.

At least he knew that he'd been right all along; Bucky was alive. He'd survived the fall, been found, suffered memory loss – although in a terrible way – and fallen into enemy hands. He was alive. No doubt different, but alive. That's all Phil could've hoped for.

Not that he hadn't hoped for more, when he was younger. Before he went into cryopreservation, the point had been for them to pick up where they'd left off. Maybe they wouldn't have made it past five years with each other before being torn apart by society. Maybe they could've lived the rest of their long, long lives together. Now there was nothing but uncertainty. And he hated uncertainty.

So he watched from afar. Whenever something big was going down and New SHIELD managed to get there, slowly making people aware of their presence, sometimes Phil would see Bucky. On this particular occasion they were only twenty yards apart, separated by window fronts. When one of Skye's tremors rumbled beneath them, the moment was broken as glass shattered. Phil had ducked behind furniture, and the Winter Soldier was no longer in sight by the time he emerged, and returned to the rendezvous site.

May called him a coward. Not with words; with her silent half of their conversations. He knew that he should have notified the Avengers by now, but there was never a good time. Ever. Not while there were HYDRA agents to track down, rogue supers to hand over to the authorities, Ward possibly on their heels.

"Make the right time," she finally said, and he sighed as she left the room.

Time to have a word with Skye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are moving, people! Moving! Not long now! And I'll try to make the reunion a good one. We need lots of happiness to override all the angst leading up to it, after all.
> 
> I try to be a nice writer. Sometimes I fail by doing bad things to good characters. Pobody's nerfect.
> 
> Please review!


	13. This Time Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The awful truth is revealed... and they meet again.

"Tony, what does this look like to you?" Bruce said, frowning as he spread his hands. The screen expanded, and he pointed at a spark.

Tony walked up close, and grinned wickedly.

"Looks like an invitation," he said.

"Not a trap?"

"The system's safe. Just ask JARVIS."

As he began to follow the thread – pushing Bruce's research out of the way – Bruce looked up at the ceiling.

"Is the system safe, JARVIS?" he said.

"At the moment, Dr. Banner."

"Comforting."

"Ha-ha!" Tony pumped his fist. "Got `em."

"Who?" Bruce asked.

"SHIELD. I hacked Hill's emails and found references to someone resurrecting it."

"I'd say that's unethical, but that won't stop you, will it?" he said.

Tony just whistled in reply, and Bruce rolled his eyes as he leaned back against the workbench. He was about to return to work when Tony froze.

"Get Barnes," he said, his voice suddenly hard.

"He is on his way, sir," JARVIS said.

"What've you found?" Bruce asked, jumping to Tony's side. Tony minimised the window.

"Let's wait for the others to get here," he said. "Bruce? At some point, you might wanna go next door. Or meditate, or something. Judging by what I just read… and there are video and audio files…"

"Of what?"

Tony refused to say anything more until everyone else had joined them in the workshop. Bruce had strapped a heart-rate monitor to his arm. Bucky was parked front and centre.

"The minute this starts to trigger something for anyone, leave," Tony said. "Or say stop."

"What's wrong?" Steve said.

"There was this project called TAHITI," Tony said. "Agent Coulson was in charge of it. Apparently," he gritted his teeth, "it was created to use on us. To bring an Avenger back from the dead. Except the subjects were starting to lose it, so Coulson insisted that it be called off. Unfortunately… the treatment was used on him, and his memory was wiped of the procedure. Seems he's found out since—"

"He's alive?" Bucky interrupted. "You have proof that he's alive?"

"I thought the lack of a body in his grave was enough proof," Tony muttered. "Yeah, Barnes. But we should watch this first. The… procedure."

He cued up the video. Only twenty seconds in, Bruce rushed out of the room, already growling. Natasha began to cry silently. Barton disappeared half a minute later, and Sam tried to pull Bucky out of the room as Phil started to lose his voice. But Bucky wouldn't be moved. He watched every minute of the torture inflicted on his former lover.

"When was this?" he whispered into the silence after Tony closed the folder.

"He was dead for five or six days," Tony said. "I was lucky to find this."

"Ask Bruce how 'lucky' you were later," Steve said. "Or any of us after we have nightmares tonight."

"No, no," Tony said. "This is the kinda thing that would've been buried, that I should've found before now if it wasn't. Someone's let me find this. Hell, I think they hacked into Bruce's computer deliberately, knowing that I'd come across it sooner or later."

"You think he wants us to find him?" Bucky said.

"Not just that, but understand what he's been through, so we won't be as angry," Sam said. Bucky shrugged off his hand.

"It's not Phil I'm angry at," he said. "It's whoever did this to him. It was unnatural. Phil didn't want to live through it. He asked them to let him die!"

Natasha spoke up quietly. "You have what you wanted."

"What?" He whirled on her. "I never asked for this."

"The two of you would have wanted to be able to go public with your relationship," she said, standing straighter. "You couldn't back in the forties. You're both young and alive in the twenty-first century, free to be together without the fear of being jailed for indecency. Aren't you happy about that?"

"At what cost?" he asked, pointing to the screen. "The hell we've both been through… is it truly worth that?"

"People have been through hell to obtain the rights you can both walk straight into as a consequence of their struggles," she said. "Be happy. Find Phil, and be together. You both deserve a happy ending, especially if he remembers what they did to bring him back."

"JARVIS, tell Bruce he needs to de-Hulk for a few minutes," Tony said. "We've gotta assemble again. And guess what?" He looked over his shoulder at the others. "There's seismic activity where the trouble is. Trouble with a capital H-Y-D-R-A. Judging by the trace I've got on Agent, he's right there. Oh, sorry." He waved a hand. "Director Coulson."

"Director?" Clint said, making them jump when his heard emerged from the ventilation shaft about the workshop. "I'll head up and prep the `jet."

"I shall retrieve Mjolnir," Thor said. He'd remained quiet the whole time, although there was a distinct rumble of thunder in the distance as Phil begged for death.

As everyone filed out, Tony grabbed spare clothes for Bruce. He hoped the Hulk didn't hate earthquakes too much. Shit, if Coulson was associated with whatever – or whoever – was making the ground shake, how many times had they been close to him without even knowing it? Okay, that was offensive to Tony, and he was gonna chew out the new director of SHIELD as soon as he got him alone.

 

The first time Bucky and Phil came face to face since 1945 was at the side of a building. Phil was taking cover and firing when he could, when Bucky jumped into the same alleyway. Phil barely noticed the glint of metal before he heard the rapid gunfire, as they continued to defend their corner.

"Get down!" came from their comm. units simultaneously. Bucky shoved Phil against the wall as a rocket flew past, exploding in the distance somewhere.

Their eyes met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author is evil.
> 
> Slightly shorter chapter, because I didn't want to dwell on TAHITI too much.
> 
> Please review!


	14. Don't Leave Me Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reunion. FINALLY.

Bucky stared at Phil, and licked his lips out of nervousness. He noticed Phil's eyes follow the movement. But then there was another explosion, Steve shouting in his ears, and he growled as he pushed away. He glanced back once, trying to tell Phil not to run away with the look in his eyes. Phil nodded almost imperceptibly, and then Bucky ran to his next position.

"He's here," he confirmed.

"What?" Clint said.

"Phil Coulson. I just… encountered him. Didn't get a chance to say anything, but he was real. I touched him, and… he's real."

"Okay, don't lose it now," Sam said. "Just keep going. Here, I got a problem with this son of a bitch. Wanna help out?"

"What's your position?"

 

Phil knew he should've told his team before this, and debated explaining himself over the comms, but it might prove a dangerous distraction. He waited until battle was finished, and asked them to meet him near where the Avengers were assembling, apparently assessing each other's injuries. Once his team was around him, Phil cleared his throat, and removed his earpiece.

"I was born about a hundred years ago, never mind the date," he said. "Approximately twenty years ago I was brought out of cryopreservation, having been there for forty-five years. I underwent cryo because I believed that my lover was still alive, even though everyone else told me he wasn't. While there was no body, I wasn't going to believe anyone over my own heart. Even when I was brought out of cryo early – for family reasons – I didn't give up."

Even May seemed surprised. Good to know that Fury didn't tell her all his secrets.

"Anyway," he continued. "As it turns out, I was right. Bucky was alive all along," they all reacted strongly to that, "and he now knows that I'm alive as well. I felt I should tell you this, just in case you found yourself… confused by future proceedings."

"You were in love with the Winter Soldier?" Jemma asked. Phil raised an eyebrow.

"I _am_ in love with James Barnes," he said. With his sixth sense (in reality, the reflection of a distant window), Phil turned, and began to walk towards Bucky, who was heading his way. They met midway between the two teams, New SHIELD and the Avengers.

They stared at each other for a time. Bucky ducked his head, and pressed his forehead against Phil's.

"The love that dare not speak its name," he whispered. " _Phil_."

" _Bucky_."

Overcome, their lips met. Bucky's arms wrapped around Phil's waist and Phil linked his fingers behind Bucky's head. They kissed hungrily, decades of waiting and longing crashing down around them. Bucky pulled Phil closer, tilting his head, and Phil stroked his neck, his cheeks, his hair. Every bit of him he could touch, to make sure this was real, not just a wonderful, terrible dream.

"Love you," he whispered the moment they stopped for breath. "Christ, Bucky, I waited for so long. No one else, ever. Knew you were alive. Had to be."

"Love you, too," Bucky said, nuzzling Phil's cheek. "I didn't even know who I was, and I couldn't kill you. They wanted me to, a few times, but I couldn't. I knew you were mine."

"You're mine, too," Phil said, and he brought Bucky's face closer to his again. "I never dreamed we'd meet again like this."

"Definitely better ways we could've been reunited," Bucky said.

"But we're here now."

"Yes. God, I've missed you so fucking much."

"I'm so sorry. All you went through…"

"Nothing to losing you over and over again."

"I lost you first."

"HYDRA stole you from me. Every time I remembered you, they wouldn't let me. They used you against me, Phil." Bucky sniffled, and Phil brushed the tear threatening to fall from his nose. "It's been seventy years."

"Doesn't feel like it, does it?" Phil said lightly.

"I'm sorry about Robert and Julie."

"Well…" Phil shrugged. "At least I saw them again before they died."

Bucky shook his head, brushing their noses together. "How could you want me? I'm the Winter Soldier."

"You were brainwashed. Now you're a superhero."

"I have a false arm."

"Which seems to be good for more than just holding hands… though that's nice, too. What about me? Why would you still want me? You… you do, don't you?"

"Every day for the rest of… of everything," Bucky said, sounding choked. He stroked the shell of Phil's ear, and Phil shivered, but continued.

"I'm nearly fifty, physically, although according to my new date of birth I'm doing well for a man 'of my age'." Bucky laughed. "I'm frantically trying to scrape together some semblance of a new version of SHIELD, without HYDRA scum, and we're low on funding and resources and people and I'm running myself ragged…"

"Take a holiday with me, then."

"And I was dead for five days, Bucky."

Bucky hesitated, and then nodded. "I know. I know all about Project TAHITI, thanks to Stark. I saw videos. You… you wanted to die."

"In my defence," Phil said indignantly, "I didn't know that you were so close. I would've come after you if I'd known, had any idea…"

"It's all right," Bucky said. He kissed Phil again, lingering longer than he meant to, but unable to regret it when Phil whimpered a protest after he broke the kiss. "You came through it. I came through it. We're both alive, and we can be together again." He drew back a step, and looked over Phil's shoulder while he wiped away tears. "You gonna introduce me to your people?"

Phil turned, and held out his hand. "Come on. Simmons, you first."

She raised her eyebrows and glanced at May, but then joined Bucky and Phil first.

"Yes, sir?" she said.

"This is Jemma Simmons," Phil said. "I don't know how much you remember about Julie's family…"

"Peggy was her cousin," Bucky said, shaking Jemma's hand. "She had siblings."

"Her half-sister was Genevieve Simmons, née Carter."

"Yes, Genevieve Simmons was my grandmother," Jemma said. Then her eyes widened in surprise. "Oh! You mean… I'm related to you? By marriage?"

"Part of why I wanted you on the team," Phil said, smiling. She beamed back. "Okay, I should introduce you to May next."

"Hey, c'mover here!" Bucky called, gesturing his team-mates over. "May as well make the introductions complete."

"And Peggy's niece used to work for SHIELD," Phil added. "Sharon Carter."

"Okay, we need to sit and have a long talk later," Bucky said. "Catch up on everything we've missed."

"Well." Phil blinked, pasting on a look of innocence. "I was hoping that we wouldn't be doing a great deal of talking once we're finally alone together. Got a lot of time to make up for, you know."

Bucky grinned slyly. "How fast do you think we can introduce everyone?" he said.

"Not fast enough. I have a room on the bus."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, you're not getting smut. I don't feel like it. See 'Did You Say…' if you want Phil/Bucky smut.
> 
> Yes, Skye laid the trail, at Phil's request, for Tony and Bruce to find. Not that they were anticipating a battle or anything as the setting for the reunion, but this is Marvel-verse. What could they possibly expect?
> 
> Please review! One last chapter to go.


	15. Everything Old is New Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happiness reigns, because this is me.

The first thing Audrey had done when she saw Phil again was punch him on the shoulder, hard – "I've been carrying a cello for years, of course I have great arm muscles!" – and then chew him out for not telling her that he was alive.

"Technically I told you I was all right," he said. She glared him into silence.

"Only damn father figure I have left," she muttered. That made Phil smile.

"You'll be there for the wedding, won't you?" he asked. She hugged him, and handed over her RSVP.

"Just try to keep me away," she said. Then she kissed him on the cheek. "Which one's the bride?"

"We haven't decided yet. We're just happy to be with each other again."

Bucky had immediately pointed out that it was several decades too late to make an honest man out of either of them, but damned if he wasn't going to put a ring on Phil's finger… which meant that everyone then had to be involved. There was some contention of Nick being Phil's best man, but he'd known Phil's history from the beginning. Despite making some mistakes, he'd made it possible for Bucky and Phil to be together at last, which was the most important thing to them.

Having a wedding on the balcony of Stark Tower should have been inviting trouble, but between the Avengers and New SHIELD there was pretty good security. The service was going to be quick, and everyone was in 'work' clothes just in case.

Except… Bucky didn't dress as the Winter Soldier. He and Steve wore full military dress, and Phil very steadfastly did not swoon when he saw Bucky grinning cockily at him from beneath the brim of his cap. It was tilted at a rakish angle, and Phil swallowed down the very inappropriate things he wanted to blurt out. Who knew he had a soldier kink? Probably just the memories of meeting when Bucky was in uniform.

…Probably.

"Don't you look appreciative?" Bucky murmured when they were standing in front of the preacher, facing each other.

"Is that all I look?" Phil said, snarking to distract Bucky from his blush.

"Feel luckier than I ever have in my life. You look sensational."

Phil lowered his eyes, cheeks growing warmer, and the priest coughed discreetly.

"Dearly beloved," he began.

 

After the cake was cut and toasts were made (Tony was forbidden to make a speech), Phil and Bucky held hands under the table while they talked quietly to each other.

"I meant it," Bucky said. "You look incredible."

"Because I've married the man I love, most likely," Phil said, eyeing his husband up and down. Husband! "You look as handsome as ever. A bit tidier, though." He smirked. "I look forward to undoing all of that good work later."

"Gonna wait until we get to the hotel in London?"

"Not quite. We still have to get changed into ordinary clothes for travelling."

Bucky smiled from ear to ear. "Honeymoon. Never thought myself the type to get married when I was younger. Then I met you."

"You implied as much in the vows," Phil said, and he sipped his champagne as Bucky rubbed circles into his palm with his metal thumb.

"Wish Robert and Julie could-a been here," he admitted. Phil's smile turned sad.

"They're here in spirit," he said. He glanced across the room to where Jemma and Sharon were sitting and talking. After finding out their family connection – hidden before by their parents – they were getting to be close friends. Not as close as Skye and Jemma, but good friends nonetheless. And Audrey and Skye were chattering away to each other, which was good to see.

"Are you all right?" Bucky said, drawing Phil's attention back to him. He cocked his head, looking serious, and Phil nodded.

"It's been a hard road, that's all," he said. "But I can't regret the outcome."

"Neither can I." He leaned closer with a smile. "Music's just started. We gotta share our first dance."

"Lead the way," Phil said. They stood up and rounded the table as everyone clapped and cheered.

 

Somehow, Bucky fended off Phil's wandering hands as they got changed. Phil asked him to 'leave the hat on', but judging by the glint in his eye Bucky decided against that, and promised to wear it again later. He very deliberately packed his uniform while Phil was watching, and looked forward to teasing him later. And people thought Bucky was the one who'd be hard to control.

It was a great relief to get to their hotel in London – paid for by Tony and Pepper – and put their bags aside. Bucky stood up, shocked, when Phil pinched his backside, and stared as his husband ran into the bathroom, laughing.

"I think the champagne's gone to your head!" he called, pulling out his uniform and hiding it underneath the clothes he stripped off. He heard the shower starting up, and followed Phil into the bathroom.

"I get no kick from champagne," Phil sang, fiddling with the shower faucets. He began to undress, and Bucky slapped him on the behind as he walked past, in retaliation. He climbed into the shower, getting it to the right temperature as he waited. By the time Phil joined him, Bucky had soaped up and was rinsing off.

"Didn't think there was any point in waiting," he said. "I'm gonna get dry while you finish up in here."

Phil pouted, but must've seen the wisdom in this, because he only groped Bucky a couple of times before letting him out.

Once in the main part of the honeymoon suite, Bucky finished giving himself a cursory dry and swiftly dressed in his uniform again. He checked the mirror to make sure his hat was in position, and then stood at the bathroom door. As soon as Phil opened it, his jaw dropped.

"Holy hell," he murmured. "Bucky…"

"You've been drinking, soldier," Bucky said sternly. Phil's eyes darkened. "And you're not in uniform. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Uh…"

"That's not how you address an officer, soldier!"

Phil swallowed visibly. "No, sir. Sorry, sergeant. Feel free to punish me." He grinned slyly. "All night long, if you need to. Just to make sure I've learnt my lesson."

"Clearly you lack discipline."

"And shame. Clearly."

Phil reached out a hand and flicked open the first button of Bucky's jacket. His look was challenging, and Bucky couldn't resist. He pushed Phil up against a small patch of wall and kissed him deeply. He tugged off the towel, the only thing covering Phil, and dropped to his knees.

"This feels familiar," he remarked.

"Only we're not hiding in a dark alleyway anymore," Phil said.

"We're not hiding at all," Bucky said, looking up at him. Phil stroked his cheek with one finger. "You don't know how glad I am about that."

"I've got some idea. I love you, Bucky."

"I love you, too, Phil."

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No more angst for this pairing. Not ever, hopefully, but certainly nothing more for the time being. Next time it'll be happier.
> 
> Oh. Except there's a soulmate one based on a prompt. And another soulmate one which is actually a triad 'pairing'. And the first one is certainly not going to be fun and games throughout. Sigh. These two were made for angst. Both thought dead, both alive, both suffering memory loss in the wake of severe physical trauma, both with some kind of connection to Captain America.
> 
> Anyway. Please review! Why wasn't this story as popular as 'You Are'? Is it because that one had longer chapters? Or the whole secret admirer thing? Because I think the angst was definitely cranked up in this fic. Le sigh.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's Day! Told you I was on a Bucky/Phil bent.
> 
> More will be revealed as we go, but here's a bit of back story. Phil's in military intelligence in WWII, and Bucky's a Howling Commando. They met in a bar for men with 'alternative tastes', although they recognised each other from the main SSR base. They introduced each other, hooked up, and fell in love. Naturally, being the 1940s, they have to hide their relationship.
> 
> Okay! The chapters will all be named after songs Peter Allen has sung, including a bunch from _The Boy from Oz_. Thematic, or whatever. I don't know. Different lengths, as well. These are more like snippets of their story.
> 
> Please review! There will be drama and angst, and some bending of canon. (Duh.)


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